To wait by the telephone,
wondering if they had as good a time as you,
if they feel the way you do.

Or is it all a fantasy in your head?
Were they merely tolerating your time together,
trying to make the best of it?

Humoring you when you talked on too long
about subjects you thought interested them
because they asked a question?

And it's not like you're not empathetic.
You'd think you'd be able to tell,
But now it's all a blur.

You thought you were reading the signals right,
but now you can't remember a thing,
so you can't prove it to yourself.

So now you want one more signal,
one further bit of evidence
that they're interested.

Interested in continuing,
interested in going further,
before you take another step.

But what if they think they've been perfectly clear?
Think the ball is in your court?
And read your reticence as disinterest.

Or what if they're shy
or awkward
and just can't force themselves to send the signal?

Or what if they're waiting by their telephone,
wondering if you had as good a time as they,
if you feel the way they do?

Or is it all a fantasy in …

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William Asher was one of the directors on I Love Lucy; the character's name was Lucy Esmeralda MacGillicuddy Ricardo. Asher went on to produce/direct Bewitched, starring his wife, Elizabeth Montgomery, as Samantha. In Bewitched, the bumbling nanny's name is Esmeralda, played by Alice Ghostley.

Ghostley played Mrs. Murdock in the movie Grease (DVD/VHS). Eve Arden, who played Principal McGee in Grease, guest starred on Bewitched as Nurse Kelton in the episode where Tabitha is born. Arden also had a cameo on I Love Lucy in 1955.

Besides rehashes, spin-offs and specials related to Bewitched and its cast (inc. the series' Tabitha and The Paul Lynde Show), Asher also directed episodes of Gidgit, Alice and The Dukes of Hazzard. But despite the importance of Lucy and the lasting power of Bewitched, Asher's most significant project in the canon of pop culture was probably as director and co-writer of all the Frankie Avalon-Annette Funicello beach movies: Beach Party (1963), Muscle Beach Party (1964), Bikini Beach (1964), Beach Blanket Bingo (1965), How to Stuff a Wild Bikini (1965), and Fireball 500 (1966).

Annette Funicello's measurements were 36-22-36. Asher's son John married Jenny McCarthy, whose measurements were 38-24-34. Cultural ideal shift: two inches off the hips, two inches on the breasts. (McCarthy did eventually remove the implants.) McCarthy hosted a series called World's Best Beaches. McCarthy first came to fame as co-host of Singled Out, which was …

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I know you love me when you tell me so because the belief that someone would is so remote that I probably won't see the signals no matter how clear you think they are. I know you love me when you tell me so because even if I see the signals, I will find a way to doubt them. I know you love me when you tell me so because I'm too shy to ask and find out myself.

For ten years Faceboy's open stage (Burlesque he proudly labeled it) Has taught us to create and play Take that you snobby poet shits. Our Saint, the Reverend Jen has said that art is just a romp. Play more! Great artists are not more than kids. So art stars grew where once were whores. Ah yes, to Ludlow we have gone And Allen too in times anon To play and love: our sole canon. Our mission is as clear as day That we will never stop the play Cause yuppies want mocha latte. (c) 2004 Philip F. Rose

XeRo: Turn-of-the-Millenia (Zero) By La Ruocco La Ruoc & co.; (September 3, 2003) ISBN: 0974345407

La Ruocco's Xero is epistemological profanity at its cleverest. A chaotic but perfect world to explore. For the lover of art that makes you think and laugh, Xero is, as Robert Bork once said, an 'intellectual feast.'

Xero mixes free-associative, recursive, pun-filled, and at times startlingly clear prose on topics from religion to La Ruocco's ass. To itemize the topics, to give away too much detail, would be to ruin part of the fun, which is discovery. The book unfolds, the ideas link and fertilize each other.

Interspersed throughout is copious color photography, much of it including said ass and the rest of Laruocco's stunning beauty.

Collaborative portions include a conversation about intellectual property and pornography with John S. Hall, and documentation of a scheme with Michael Portnoy to replace Calvin Klein ads with their own ass-based versions.

Xero is less a book than a journey and a performance piece. But that's wrong. That's because we have preconceptions …

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